… bits and pieces …

I turned twenty eight a week ago. That’s pretty much 59 ½ in bunny years. My brother and sister are pretty much gross about that. So when my sister decided to get me a cake, I asked her to put 21^st as my age. It’s funny because I never cared about telling my real age until a few years back. I’d like to say I want to keep the mystery going, keep the guessing game rolling, and just make people wonder what the heck my age is. I know I don’t look my age, and I could definitely pass for 21 (seriously, I still get “ID-ed” when I order alcohol in a club), but for some reason, if someone ask me how old am I, my first instinct is to say 21. Of course, I will tell them my real age eventually, but for thefirst few minutes of our conversation, being 21 again is priceless.

Anyhow, I didn’t have any specific item on my birthday wish list this year. Instead, I came up with “Thank you list”.With everything that is going on right now, spending money here and there is very unwise and dumb. Having a job that helps make ends meet and having a strong support network in the event of bad times are just of the few of the many things everyone should at least be thankful for, especially in these ugly times. I am super grateful of the fact that these two things and a few more other things that I’ll be mentioning later on are at play in my life right now. Corny and so cliché as it may sound, really, I couldn’t ask for more.

Okay, here goes my thank you list…

First, I am very grateful that no matter what life throws me, I could always count on my boyfriend. He has always been there for me 99.9% of the time, good times or not. God knows how much blessed I feel for having such a sweet angel sent my way. And even when I’m being a pain in the butt (which according to him happens most of the time), he still hangs around to stick it out with me. He actually gave me the best gift anyone could ever ask for: his love. And honestly, I really couldn’t ask for more. Us being together and getting stronger as the years passed by is more than what I wanted for…

My boo, the love of my life, thank you sooo much for loving me like you do. You are the reason why my heart beats baby…yes, it beats only for you. You have always been there for me, and I really feel lucky that I have you to go through life with. You know everything about me… my thoughts, my worries, my wishes, my desire, my dreams, and what’s not…heck, you sometimes finish my sentences for me (without the pinoy accent though).You’vseen me in my worse, and yet, you decided to stay. Baby, I know I can never repay all the kindness and sweet gestures you’ve shown…not in a million years…or not even in this lifetime. But I want to tell you something, and I want you to always keep this close to your heart. Baby, I love you deeply with all of my heart, all of my my soul… and all of my all. I promise you I will do this everyday of my life, for as long as I live,till I breathe my last. I know I can’t guarantee you good times all the time. It might be even that at one point or another, one of us would want to get out. But lemme tell you something not many people know. As long as we know we’re together, as long as we love each other, as long as we believe in working things out than running on different directions, there’s no dark clouds we can’t maneuver into, there’s no shit that’ll be bigger than us…. no battle we will not win or race we will not finish. Baby, should you decide to read this blog one day, please know that everything that I am writing comes from my deepest emotion, from the very core of my being, and from the innate essence of my soul. You are the best thing that ever happened to me baby, and it will always stay that way, no matter what. I can’t wait to share my pillows with you, sweetie. But until then, let’s stay in love as we traverse each day in high hopes for our future…

Now, the second on my list that I am very grateful for is the fact that I have a job in today’s downhill economy. When a lot of people are getting the pink slips, I was able to find a job that is 1) close to my house, 2) pays my bills, 3) and leaves me a little bit of extra cash for rainy days. You see, finding a job is one thing. But finding a job that is close to where you live, that pays your bills and leaves a cushion for rainy days is consider icings on the cake nowadays. My work is only 7 miles from my house, and unlike my past job which required me to leave my house at 6:30 AM just to beat the traffic, my new work only takes me 15 minutes of travel. No
annoyingly slow moving traffic, no stupidly reckless drivers and I get home early every day.

Third, I am also thankful of the fact that I am done dealing with my ex-employer. I don’t feel any remorse that I said what I said and did what I did. My pursuit for justice has been a slow process. Nevertheless, it was rightly served. To Sylvia Villanueva, I get mad and oh yes, I get even. Only because your family owns a business doesn’t put you above the dignity labor laws. I may not be a dentist here in America, but I know my rights as an employee and trust me, there are laws out laid out to protect our civil entitlements and dues. Shamefully, you’re too arrogant to research about that,  much more pay respect to it. But like what I said, I am just very pleased that I don’t have to deal with you guys anymore.

Alright, moving forward…..

The fourth entry on my list is my family, whom I appreciate now more than ever. I am happy that my family celebrated my birthday with me. My sister and her husband came down from San Diego, Vernon cooked me his ever famous ihaw-ihaw, my dad made delicious pansit and shrimp, and my mom kept her cool whenever we messed around with her. And oh, did I mention that Shaun just drives me crazy and cracks me up so bad? That kid literally brings joy and keeps our family’s sanity in check. Anyway, like what I was saying, I know I didn’t have the best of relationship with my folks. And seriously, growing up with them was like living during the martial law. As in curfew at 7pm, guardia civil, no freedom of the press, and the whole nine yards. Right now, I really just want to forget about that and start looking forward. The truth is , reminiscing with regrets will not do any of us good. It will actually ignite again ill emotions, and it’ll make it even tougher to move forward, considering that a lot of things had happened in the past. On the other hand forgiving and letting go, and taking time in really salvaging what was left of our broken trust and snapped
relationships will convey “feel-good” feelings for all parties involved. Easier said than done, I know. But we all need to start somewhere, right? Sure, words had been spoken, actions had been carried out, and damages had been done, but at the end of the day, we are still a family. And no matter what, we can’t deny the fact that we’re all connected by one umbilical cord.

Another thing on my gratitude list, and so far the very best gift I have received from my folks is the fact that my dad started talking again to my boyfriend. Honestly, I was a little bit hesitant tagging Fernando along, only because of the friction that transpired a few years ago. If my dad mellowed down, or if my dad decided not to be too hard anymore, or if he decided to give us a chance, or If he has forgiven us already…I don’t know. I am just very happy and grateful that my dad is the way he is now, and is finally talking to F. I also want to give credit to my mom, because I’m sure she is a big factor in talking to my dad to have a more agreeable mind set. My life is starting to fall into place, and I am just really thankful and glad that this is all happening at the same time. Truly, when it rains, it pours.

I am also in high spirits because friends and families back in the Philippines didn’t forget my birthday. A lot of ‘em left comments on my friendster page. It really touched me that even with time difference and great distance, they still remember my birthday. I was extra delighted when auntie baby took time to call me and personally sing me a happy birthday. Beat that folks. I was also able to speak with her, and as always, she shared with me few words of wisdom. Shout out to Ate honey, Ara, Nicole, Veni, and Bani, Ate Gie, Joan F., Kim, Girlie, JQ, and Juliane. You guys rock!

The last, but surely not the least that I am so grateful for is the new baby in our family, baby sophie. She was born on March 14, and I know, in a few more months, I could be able to enjoy and play with her. Hindi pa ngayon kasi it scared me to death to hold her, because she’s only a few weeks old…very small. Baka mabitiwan ko kasi. For now, si Shaun muna ang i-spoiled ni tita…

So, as my parting words, last year was not good for me. It seemed that everything was working against me. The crisis that especially hit me so bad was when I lost my job before the year ended. Never have I imagined I’d be included in the stat of those who got affected by this spiraling down economy of America. It took me 45 days to be able to get a job again, when before, I could snag one in a week the most. Literally,I was on the verge of going crazy. I was scared, worried, sad, hopeless. But then again after a fall, which way should you go? Upward, right?There’s no way to go but to go up. This experienced really opened my eyes to some of the harsh realities of life. I knew all along that nothing is permanent in this world. It just didn’t really dawn on me until a crisis hit me. Before, I was just like “Whatever!Who cares?!” Now, I learned to be very grateful of the things, tangible or not, in my life. I find joys in simple things, and I try not whine about the petty stuff. Because…really, great things come in small packages. And you wouldn’t really learn to appreciate these grand gifts life has to offer when you don’t take the chance to stop and recognize the bits and pieces that make it splendid….beautiful…. and so deserved by you….

being loved is relative to my being. i climb the highest mountain and swim the deepest ocean to make my relationships work. i do not give up easily but i must admit it usually crosses my mind when the going gets tough. i don’t like echoing "what if’s" so i always walk an extra mile to see things for myself. and if things do not work out the way i hope them to be, at least i have the satisfaction of knowing that i tried.

i cry when i am happy, sad or mad. i laugh when i am happy and nervous. i scream like a girl. i sing and dance when no one is watching. i can be your best friend and your worst enemy. i can be selfless and selfish at the same time. i always have a rebellious attitude. i don’t like rains. sun makes me giddy, but you can’t make me stay under it. i am scared to death of public speaking. and of giving birth. and of the dark. i dont’ realy like coffee. aroma can do it for me though fraps can do much better. my greatest pet peeve includes tactlessness in people. it gets into my nerve when people don’t even bother to think first before they talk.

i am still learning life everyday. i don’t suck it up to go forward. i work my way up. i do meet enemies on the way. i don’t keep ‘em close though. i wanna be surrounded with people who would be happy for me and not the other way around. i believe in happy endings, and hoping for my own one day. weddings bring me tears of joy.

i am no head turner. but give yourself a chance to know me and like a well cut diamonds, you’ll discover infinite facets in me, each one capable of reflecting rainbow colors. i procastinate and daydream… a lot. but once i set my mind to do something big, i’ll exhaust all my energy to be in that place. it doesn’t mean though that i’ll stop daydreaming and procastinating.

i complain about oppression in any forms. i moved out of the house 6 months ago. and i am loving every minute of it. i can soar whenever i want to… whenever i pleased. i am not the most discilined type. i always live for " if you can’t be good, be safe" adage. i find thrill in bending the rules.

my mind works the most in conceptualizing thoughts and ideas. it could be sweet if i i could get what i want all the time. but utopia is not my permanent reseidence. my best card is being practical as much as i can in this very much impractical world and manuever my way to my desired ending.

i love without limits and with no fear. when i do fall in love, i am all out. i don’t see all men the same. i get over past relationships that didn’t work. love is too important to approach it with cynicsm. i am very vulnerable and sensitive, and dependent as i tend to be to my partner, if my love is being taken for granted, i find determination to disconnect in a gradual and irreversible manner. i can be forgiving in everyday matters but if my feelings get badly hurt over and over, forgiveness is not even in the equation any more. since i totally give myself when i am in a relationship, all those bonds connecting me to my partner is released one by one, each cut is giving me a reason to be stronger one times more everyday. in time, when the process is over, i’ll leave him with a haunted soul.

i can be jealous and possessive; inspirational or lost; scattered or together; a bitch or a saint; a shy or a tease; i have my good side and my bad side; i’m a girl and a woman; i can be chaste and promiscuous; confused and misunderstood. i ‘ve loved and got hurt, bled and love again…

so, take me as i am….

i dont know how some parents will react when time comes their kids would clue in of moving out. for us filipinos, there’s this unspoken law passed by our dads and moms that we will be staying under their roofs until we walk down the aisle…or maybe 2 more months right after. para daw mas makatipid daw ang mga newly weds….

when i told  my folks that i want to live on my own, eyebrows were raised and issues were all over the place. my dad is a lawyer,and believe me, twisting the truth is his one of his strongest points and winning arguements is his forte. in fact,my entire family can bear witness on that.

so 3 years ago, this is a cold case. until i found grounds for reopening it again. moving out is my heart’s greatest lust so i gathered all the necessary information and data i will be needing and lay them open on our dining table one night. my parents must have been in an agreeable mind set because the next thing i knew, they’re giving me their blessings already.

i’ve been living on my own for 2 months now. and believe me, i am loving every minute of it. not only because i feel like a full grown cosmo woman. on top of that, i could do whatever i want…whenever i want to…whenever i pleased. but this freedom also comes with a big deal of resposibility. i know,right? it’s not party all the time. now that i have my own place, i have made certain rules for myself (which is pretty unusual) and a bunch for my new pad. i like my new nook to be clean and girly…and cute…and cozy. so really, i am going out of my way to keep it the way the first time i moved in. i do get lazy sometimes…and tired. and those new social codes i made for myself? ha, i bent a lot of those already. but you know what? at the end of the day, i still retire happy and satisfied. coz i know i am on that stretch already… enjoying the taste of liberty i have worked so hard before.…

it’s been good 3 months since my last blog entry. as usual, my so called mclife is taking me for a ride. aside from trying to catch my breath from trying real hard to get back on my tracks again and again after being thrown over and over on the other side, i was also busy being….well, busy.

i have no particular subject in mind. but my fingers are aching to dance on my keyboard. and on top of my bottled up thoughts that are begging and waiting to be released, i missed writing…

a while back, i was asked by two people close to my heart why all my writings are somewhat sad and personal. you see, writing is one of my passions in life. it’s my only therapy that does not do anything to my bank account. and for some unexplainable reasons, my inspiration to write comes most of the time when my dark brown round eyes are tired of crying. it’s my body’s way, i guess, of working together as a team… letting those weary eyes rest and let my heart and my hands take over and do the talking. and personally, after all those bottled up emotions has been cast loose, i know i can dare face the new sunrise head up with a new hope on the palm of my hand and without any hung ups or fears as my excess baggage. this is the main reason, my only reason, why my writings are very personal to me. they’re all my heart on paper….

how time flies. tomorrow would be the last day of the month. and i have not even taken care of my student loan… aaarrgghh!!!!

anyway, it was raining the whole today. and i am not very happy about that. but i should get used to this rain in a couple of months to come because this is how winter in california is.california winter brings in rain in the city and snow in the mountains.which reminds me to get myself an umbrella… and carry on with our plan of going to big bear so i could finally be able to see a snow and play on the snow and inititate a snow fight and if i get lucky, make my first snowman even if it’s kindda late already for Mr. Frost to be hanging around….

oh, my sister will be here on april….i wonder if there’s still snow in the mountains by that time… then maybe we all can go to big bear or to mt. high….

hopefully, tomorrow the sun will show himself. this cold, unfriendly weather is just taking over my mood (READ: makes me cranky)

and just FYI,there was a survey done that a lot of women get pregnant around this chilly time of the year. of course, what would you be doing outside where the temperature is freezing…. when you can get warm amd cozy indoor with your beau…

which reminds me again of my baby…

maybe, if i have my own place already… a good movie, a hot tea, a good company, and a nice make out would make my rainy days warm, huh?

oh well….just a thought….

my stress level is soaring high. the other week,i splurged on 4 pairs of shoes which is not in my budget plan. however, this does not bother me at all. you see, when one’s stress level’s altitude is the same with that of Mt. Everest, one usually goes out of her/his way and do whatever it takes to relieve the stress… which in my opinion is just very rational.in my case, i usually love to let some of those greenbuck go and pamper myself once in a while. this is actually the main reason why my sanity is still sound.

( a big sigh here) life…it’s grand to live but sucks when shit happens. but then again, we are not left empty handed. we always have a choice…a choice that could either make us or break us. i can’t arrive into a counclusion if i am just frustrated or it’s the time of the month when my hormonal imbalance is acting up on me. either way, im in a “punyeta-naman-oh” mood right now.

punyeta kasi i just do not understand how my choices in life are turning out against me. punyeta kasi i have decided to follow this road which does not entail too much responsibility but by choosing this, i am now face with a great deal of obligations and yes, responsibilities i should not be having in the first place because i did not choose the freaking other road.

a long time ago, i had taken it on myself to do everything in my power to give myself a decent life. it’s not that i was raised without money. we were pretty well off. we have a big 2 story house in P.I. with 5 rooms and 2 baths. when i was growing up, i remember we were never without a maid. at one point, my parents even brought in 3 maids at one time. i spent the 23 years of my academic life in private school. during my elementary and high school days, an exclusive school service would pick me and my siblings up from our house to take us to school. and when our classes are over, the same service would take us home.

during those years i promised myself to do something big before even thinking of settling down, simply because i want to experience life in its grandness… with all the beauties and mysteries that go with it. as a youngster, i knew this is the road i wanna walk on. it  did not matter to me how can i get there… i will walk on that road. as a pre-adult, i was  already aware of the consequences of rushing into things. in my mind, i would rather be troubled by which club should i go to on a friday night than by which bottle of milk had gone bad 2 hours ago. i am not a pro in handling stress… and the road i have chosen for me to follow has, if not stressproof, a minimum stress level.

fast forward to this time, i am on that road. but tell me, why am i having this humongous amount of stress? i feel like i am being deprive of the life i should be living. i should be out there, right?exploring the world… getting a life… living my life. instead, i am living my life for someone else. i was told to put my personal life on hold and focus on her first whose life revolves on him. put my personal life on hold? can you believe that? i know she needs all the emotional support she can get, but putting my personal life on hold just because she chooses to be the ” damsel in distress” is just plain outrageous!

it’s just not fair to anyone to be liable to something or even someone else’s wrong decisions. like what i’ve said, life is full of choices. the choices u make can either break you…or make you. if it made you, good for you. but if it broke you, c’mon… take the matter in your own hands and don’t let somebody else suffer for you….

now, just a thought…i should have just chosen the other road… at least, i am living my own life trying to figure out which bottle of milk had gone bad…

i know we’re two different individuals from opposite sides of the world. i would like to believe that what brought us together from the very beginning was a dynamic force that could make all the stars in the vast space and beyond lign up. i can’t complain that we were at the right time…at the right place…at the right moment. clearly, there’s must be a reason. best part is we were given a chance to hold hands and interlock our fingers. to hold on or to let go is simply up to us. i can’t guarantee good times all the time. i know there will always be set backs every now and then. but this is what i can nail down: that i will always love you in the best way i know how…with all of my heart and all of my soul… without any doubts… and with no known limits. if this is our first stone in building a fireplace, i hope this is more than enought to keep our flame and all the elements that go with it burning and glowing…cuz it’s gonna be cold outside… and the scorching blaze of our love will sure help us to keep warm through the nights to come….

looking back at the past year that came to pass, 2006 had been good to me most of the time. although i was thrown out of my comfort zones several times last year, i still feel blessed that i was able to pull myself together and keep the fight for survival still going on up to this very moment. of course, great thanks to the only Force who dwells in Eternal Kingdom thousand miles above our horizon for backing me up every step of my way.

these are my “highs” and “lows” for 2006…kindda the haps that moved, shaken, displaced, shifted, disturbed, stirred, excited, inspired, motivated, provoked, worked me up, burdened, triggered, slipped, faded, stimulated, agitated, and had driven me to rock life even harder.

1. i started on the wrong foot in 2006. i had a fight with my dad which lasted for months. my desire to move out deepened around those time. today, that is still my heart’s lust but this time, i wanna move out in good terms with my parents… with no hard feelings towards one another.

SINGIT: this morning, while my dad was having quaker oats for breakfast, he let it slipped that hopefully one day, we would be moving in to a house already. maybe’ i’ll have my own place,too. ( ” sana sa susunod na lipat nyo sa bahay na…kung nakaseparate ka,okay lng…” ) my heart skipped a thousand beats per minute. i tried to conceal my smile.

2. after 2 failed attempts to get myself a driver’s licence a couple of years back, i was finally able to pass the freaking DMV behind the wheel test. yey!!!!!

3. in february, several weeks after getting my licence, i bought an early birthday present for myself… my other baby, my 06 nissan sentra. it took me a great while shopping for cars because my insurance is sure gonna get me. car insurance companies charge an arm and a leg for first time drivers so i was opting for a used car. it turned out that nissan had rebates special and with the help of fernando i was able to bring home my very first car. gee,thanks again fernsky! you’re the best!

4. i christened my car when we decided to drive up to vegas on the week of my birthday. it was our first escapade/vacay and i had lotsa fun. well, except for the part where my feet were killing me. we did a lot of walking/casino hopping and i didn’t know what the hell i was thinking when i put on my high heeled stiletto. nevertheless, it was still a very good weekend. can’t wait to go back there again….

5. although i was living my life in the fast lane, i was able to finish 3 books last year : Da Vinci Code, Of Angels And Demons & Hello Gorgeous. i wanna get back to reading again. hopefully, this year would give me time to slow down for a bit and enjoy the scenery.

6. the months of april, may and june were so hard for me. aside from the fact that we moved from one city to another thrice, and my mom and i had our biggest fight ever, i was also having personal/emotional crisis to deal with. looking back, it’s the worst feeling ever. i just wanted to fade away. i ached for the ground to swallow me whole because every aspect of my life was just going down the drain…and it was sure bringing me down with it.

7. or that was what i thought. came summer time and we decided to to take a break from all life’s buzzes and turns and what the hell, we just got into a plane for hawaii. that was my best week in life, so far. i didn’t have to worry about anything else. we left everything in california and just celebrated life in one of the most romantic islands in the world, oahu. actually, my heart is still there. i just fell in love with hawaii. and belive me, im gonna go back there in a drop of a hat.

8. while staying in hawaii, i learned how to snorkel. we went to this place called hanauma bay. i have never seen such different marine life upclose. i have seen all kinds of tropical fishes and coral reefs. actually, the bay floor is actually the crater of an ancient volcano that flooded when the exterior wall collapsed and the ocean rushed in. cool, huh? too bad i don’t have an underwater case for my cam so we ended up buying a disposable one which sucked bigtime because the film was already old and water got inside. still, that was some experience.

9. i also got a chance to meet upclose the ocean’s most feasome predator - sharks! using a motor boat, they took us several miles out to Northshore’s sharks ground. i remember i was having such a bad headache because i was so freaking scared to get into the cage which will be thrown out in the middle of the ocean. funny because i asked for a life jacket but they didn’t give me one claiming that i wouldn’t be able to enjoy the sharks. the jacket will keep me afloat. damn it, i still want to live! anyway, i went in without that jacket (huhuhu) but i was calling all the saints to keep the sharks away from me. it was a fun experience…a lifetime one. i saw 7-8 sharks and they were happily going around our cage. if i would be asked to do this shark thing again? hell, yeah! i can make the reservation now.

10. for the first time in my whole 25 years of existence, i found myself wearing a skimpy 2 piece bikini. hahaha! i used not to worry about my body but mind you, a couple of weeks before our trip to hawaii, i stayed away from soda.

11. two of my people in my network tied the knots already. that got me into thinking about some of the facts of life. like marriage is something big and there’s is just no backing out anymore when you finally say “I DO”. i applaud these 2 ladies for making the big step and for whatever reasons they got for getting married, i know it had been well thought of and they’re pretty much ready already.

12. i realized that i am not yet ready to settle down…that age doesn’t dictate the reason for marrying. one day though…i know, one day…when we’re both ready…we will be sharing one pillow.

13. i registered for PCC. my counselor cleared my math. hopefully, this year i could go back to school.

14. i quit my job on the latter part of the year. i still believe that what happened in that office is a blessing in disguise.

15. after less than 2 weeks of quitting my job, i found myself again driving to work. though same shit is happening in all dental offices, i want to believe that i am in a much better place this time.

one of my bestfriends is getting married next week. to say i was completely shock is an understatement of the year. are you kidding me? i was driving to work and i sworn the car behind me almost hit my rear because i floored my brakes pretty hasty. my jaw literally reached the ground and i was having a pretty hard time reconciling it with the rest of my head. i didn’t care about the angry and long blow of the horn of the mad driver behind. for a moment, everything stopped. but another angry and annoying honk from the back snapped me back to california.

after half digesting the information, i asked her if she had given this a serious thought… not one, but many serious thoughts. she will do this for the baby, and for some other reason that is very important to her and her stay here.

oohhh….so a bambino is on the way. that’s why she has decided to get married. classic tale of trying to make the wrong right by doing another wrong thing if u asked me. (im sorry friend, this is just my own personal opinion. but like what i told you, kung san ka masaya suportahan ta ka.)

i can’t help but wonder now why most of the people around me are settling down, or at least planning to. do not get me wrong. i do wanna get married,too. someday though. not tomorrow, or next year or the year after. someday.

for one thing i don’t think my body is ready for motherhood and “wifehood” (if there’s ever a word) yet. and personally, i am not having vibes of fulfillment yet. but this is what i am feeling : that i still need to do something big…something bigger than myself… or life itself. i feel like the world has still a lot to offer…. that the best is yet to come.

seriously, i have a wondeful boyfriend and i hope that we could grow old together still holding each other hands and loving each other more as new day unfolds. i always dream of my wedding with him. i always dream of my perfect wedding on the most perfect day,the most pefect time to the the most pefect person. and the most pefect reason why we’re getting married: our most pefect commitment and love to each other.  we’re seriously so in love.

honestly though,marriage scares me and excites me… but scares me most of the time. almost entirely because it’s a lifetime pledge…. a rest of your life promise and vow. it’s a different arena i guess. a battleground kind off. only here, the only weapon u got is your commitment - 100% of it.

but u know what? if there’s one thing i love most about marriage, it’s the fact that marriage will still keep you together even if you fall out already… until u fall in again….

and sharing my pillow with someone i have chosen to fall in love with…over and over is not bad either…

someday…. belive me, it’s worth the wait.

im under a lot of stress lately. im stressed and i feel depress. i am stressing over a lot of things i should not be in the first place and that makes me depress… because i am stressing and i shouldn’t be.

sigh! hay! am i making any sense here?

my dad is coming next week. he will be staying here for 5 weeks. am i excited? um…seriously, im more stressing about it  than excited. i am having problems with my mom right now. i know, right? what else is new? and the vicious cycle i was saying in my past blog, it’s crystal clear before my very eyes right now.

crap, i need to start smoking again to blow off this freakin stress. or maybe have sex. i heard it’s the GREATEST stress reliever.

whatever.

maybe chocolates will do,huh? it’s the best substitute for sex anyways. it contains oxytocin, a hormone being released by both sexes after orgasm. seriously.

how about cold stone ice cream?hhmmm…white chocolate and regular chocolate and brownie all mixed together sounds yummy.not to mention that it has oxytocin.hahaha! maybe a shot of cuervo.oh you know what? make it 2 shots…3 even. something that will just knock me out…help me pass out for days and rise only when all of these are over and done.

ha,yeah right!another wishful thinking! blame it to my valium. hahah!j/k

seriously, all i’m asking is take me out of the lime light this time and focus on something more important…say,my brother? i don’t need another lecture on how a true filipina should behave. PUH-LEESE! im rolling my eyes right now. and yes,of course… i got plans in my life,too. just lemme do my own thing. and try not to torture me so much with those free rides to guiltville. remember, i got my own brand new 06 nissan? ha, this baby can get me wherever!i will just need to fill my tank and zoom…. im gone. so really, i don’t need a ride to guiltville. thanks, but no thanks anyways.

and oh, about being a true-blooded pinay… im sorry, im just no maria clara. i think maria clara is gullible anyways. too trusting…easy to deceit… unquestioning… unsophisticated. uto-uto kumbaga. running for martyrdom perhaps? tsk,tsk…poor little thing.

i cant imagine ladies were raised like this back then. im thanking heaven fervently for equality in both sexes nowadays. being a maria clara is not a fashion statement anymore.seriously!

i mean, c’mon! nobody wants to be treated like doormat. you know what’s the latest fad among ladies right now? being a BIATCH. knowing what you want and standing for what you believe in - biatch. not letting anyone put you down or make you feel unworthy because you know you’re worth in the first place - yup, a biatch. being confident, being sexy, being beautiful in your own right - biatch. knowing what you’re doing and holding responsible for the courses of your action - hell yeah, a biatch.

so tell me now, would u rather be a maria clara or a biatch? seriously, i definitely want to be a biatch!

so mom,dad…im sorry but your daughter is definitely a biatch in training. yes,seriously.